Marriage Monday: God Spoke to Me

Okay, so it's not Monday. I spent yesterday revising and revising the heck out of this post. I was also scared to post this and got the courage to do it today. I'm very bad at sticking to routines. My bible study posts seem to come every other week instead of weekly. Though I did mention how Marriage Monday was going to be more of me sharing notes and thoughts of my own reading and studying on being a better wife and striving for a fulfilling marriage. I was going to sit down and write up my notes continuing that bible study that I started but something happened to me Saturday that moved me. Sometimes when God speaks to you, you can't help but want to tell the world!

I'm always trying to sprinkle in a bit of myself in my posts, but it has always been a debate within myself on revealing more of me to you. In my effort to shift the focus of the blog to being a Christian wedding AND marriage blog, I've decided to do better about documenting my own journey as a Christian newlywed trying to make her marriage rooted in Christ. This blog is a part of that effort because it holds me accountable. But, I'm not perfect. No one is. That is the beauty of being a Christian. We live for Christ because we aren't perfect. And He loves us anyway.

Source: beautiful-portals.tumblr.com via Melina on Pinterest

So now I reveal an internal struggle I have been dealing with the past few months.

I am so lost.

I'm lost in myself trying to find my passion. I'm lost in this world trying to find my place. I'm lost in my home trying to be a good wife.

My blog reached its 1 year anniversary and I started to realize that more than wanting to be a wedding planner, I wanted to be a writer. I learned from this blog that it is writing on weddings and Christ that make me so happy.

However, my priorities and routines are all whack right now. I wake up in the morning only wanting to go back to bed feeling like, what is the point of getting up? I'll write a post, do my work out, feed the dog, run, stare at my house and procrastinate on chores. I feel like a mouse on a wheel. Moving yet going nowhere.

I have been feeling like I have no purpose. It is a silly feeling. When I blog and when I run are the only times that I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. I guess I feel like I'm just going through the motions with everything else.

I have prayed countless times and cried, begging and pleading God to light a fire under me. To show me direction. He once was opening doors and closing doors for me like crazy and I followed without hesitation. I lived with such excitement everyday and everything reflected that. But lately. . .

Nothing. . .

I have endured pain in my past to be unable to deny God's existence. So I know at all times that He is present even when I can't feel Him.

But man is it lonely.

I rely on my faith and knowing His hand is always there to keep me going.

I came across this article just a few days ago that warmed my heart concerning God's silence. That God is planning a party for me and is using this silent period as a way to make me a better Christian. I endure it solely because I know it is a part of His plan. And we'll celebrate when I get out of this funk.

Then God broke His silence. Just Saturday when I was writing the post for Sunday on Ruth 1:16-17, He spoke.

I always do my scripture and reading on my online Bible at YouVersion.com but I pulled out my old Women's Devotional Bible because I knew it gave more history and background on each book of the bible. I wanted to learn more on the book of Ruth so there that old Bible was in front of me. Curious, I dug through the pockets of the cover and found old sermon notes all the way from when I was in High School from my old church. There aren't many but for some reason, I saved a few. And I know I didn't save them on purpose. They just happen to be ones I didn't throw out. The first one I pulled out was this one from July 2004!

When God Seems Distant

The reason for his distance:

1. Sin in your life

2. Shape your life

3. Sharpen your life 

What do you do?

1. Tell God how you feel

2. Focus on who God is

3. Trust God to keep His promises

4. Remember what God has already done for you

Wow. There you go. God broke His silence to answer my prayers of begging for Him to guide me. He just told me WHY He's been silent and what I needed to DO. My heart was so moved. It still is.

I never doubted His presence. I just felt alone. I'll take a moment and thank my husband for dealing with my mood swings and laziness lately lol! Thank God for him! (This is me keeping in mind number 4 of what to do!)

Our God is so wonderful in that He loves us! He is there always no matter what. I'm not saying I'm all figured out. I'm still figuring what my purpose is. A common struggle I'm sure many of us have. It's just hard to do when He is silent.

I feel that maybe some of you have been feeling like this? You quit your job, get married, move out of state and have to start over. Ever wonder what you are doing is right? Do you feel lost at times? All in all, are you feeling like God could speak up a bit? He wants to hear us and Lord knows I need to hear you! I pray that with my openness in this post that we can encourage one another. :-)

He love us! Oh, how He loves us!

~ Melina